Deep breath

Well, tomorrow it will be exactly 5 weeks until our new little man comes out to meet us. The math geek in me thinks "I am 7/8 of the way done" and the mom in me pictures a pizza with only 1/8 left and knows that is not nearly enough...




On the one hand I am terribly excited. It is going to be wonderful to have 3 full months home with Ellsworth and Lawrence, the first 7 weeks of which Mike will also be on vacation. I'm really looking forward to family time in our little country home.




On the other hand, I am terrified. Partially just with the magnitude of "stuff" I want to get done before he arrives (sorting, cooking, preparing, shopping, cleaning, etc), a good chunk with feeling the how-in-the-hell-are-we-going-to-afford-everything, and the rest with outright terror of the hospital. I am also worried. We are the final weeks until arrival and I worry that I am not as excited as I should be. I am worried that I have become old and set in my ways, and hope I will get the same level of bonding I did with Lawrence. I'm not sure if it's because I don't have a separate nursery to go sit in, or if because Mike and I haven't really talked about parenting (I know, we need to...) or the lack of a baby-prep class or what, but I'm having a hard time picturing our lives with baby beyond the idyllic sitting on a porch swing watching the sunset to nurse...




I don't know why my brain is giving me such trouble. Maybe because this pregnancy has been mentally exhausting. It seemed every week in the first and second trimester the doctor was worried about something serious and requested more and more testing and specialists and rest. In the end everything with baby is fine, and they won't know if everything is fine with me until delivery, so I'm done worrying about what "might" need to happen after baby is born. Physically, it's really been pretty good. No morning sickness, only light fatigue, few stretch marks so far. My hips and ribs are full of complaints, but I am still walking (waddling only rarely), working and generally getting through normal days which I am very thankful for.




I'm hoping as I cross items off my to-do list and wind down projects at work I'll start to feel more connected to the 'realness' of Ellsworth in my arms in just 35 more days.