You can't always get what you want

I am in a funk.  Officially.

I had this beautiful vision of me staying at home, at least part-time.  Of homeschooling Lawrence through the tumultuous middle school years and getting to enjoy watching my baby grow up day-by-day.  I knew it would be hard.  Pennies would be pinched.  Sacrifices would be made.  Tears would be shed and everyday wouldn't be the idyllic perfectly executed science lesson for Lawrence while Ell played gleefully on a blanket in the grass.  Hell, we might never have seen a day like that.  Even though I knew it wouldn't be easy, I was excited.

But now I am back to working, fulltime.  Ell is in daycare, fulltime. And Lawrence is discovering day-by-day that he is a little bit different from the other kids and in anguish about being/doing/looking "wrong" even if he can't articulate what he thinks 'right' would be.  He is stressed about grades and generally overwhelmed with how to organize a locker, a binder, a life.

Bah.

Plus, I have all kinds of unexpressed anger at my husband.  Why did he feel the need to talk up middle school and talk down homeschool?  Why am I expected to be able to study while watching the baby, but he can't?  Why is my money bill money and his money fun money (granted, fun for the whole family)?  Why should I drop everything to help him finish an assignment that requires a partner, but I have to nag him everyday for a week and then stand over him to get help with mine?  Why why why am I so annoyed with all these stupid things to the point that I have to think hard to remember that he occasionally cooks and cleans, brings me flowers, is always great with the boys, and came to rescue me when the SUV got a flat (I couldn't find the spare - turns out it is UNDER the vehicle, as if  was looking there.)  He is a good guy, I know because I've been with some bad ones.  I don't think any of it is intentional, and I was bitchy enough through the last bits of my hormonal pregnancy, that I feel likeI just need to 'get over it' and go with the flow now.  But I can't and so I sit, depressed and guilty and no good to anyone including myself.