I made my bed

Today I decided that I am willing to have the conversation with Lawrence someday about why I wouldn't let Henry see him.

Finally, and literally in the last few weeks, Lawrence seems to have come to terms with the fact that Henry is not a part of his life.  He made plans for Mike's Father's Day gift and has talked to me about calling Mike dad.  He has been thoughtful, honest, and obviously tortured with guilt at giving away Henry's spot.  He has repeated the same phrase to me about a dozen times in the last week:  "Mike is the dad who is around and takes care of me, so he should get the gift".

So, of course, like evil clockwork, Henry is attempting to make contact.  He can't see why I would be so angry that he hasn't been in touch, even though he went to school a 15 minute walk from our house for the last year and never approached me about a visit.  He doesn't understand why I don't trust him to follow-through and be involved, even though we have been stuck in the same pattern for SIX YEARS and he has failed to play the grownup every single time.  He is begging me to at least tell Lawrence that he wants to see him.

And now, this is where I feel like my character is tested.  Do I cave and let him see Lawrence just to avoid being that parent who kept the other away and the potential anger it could bring in later years?  Or do I stand resolved in my 'no' and accept that someday Lawrence could hate me for it?

I truly believe Henry has not changed a bit, his story certainly hasn't, and that despite his flowery apologies and promises to the contrary, he will disappear when his own life gets chaotic or seedy and will leave Lawrence wondering what he did wrong that Henry doesn't call, write, or come around.  I get left with the hard, anxious questions, the tears and the confusion.  Lawrence gets left brokenhearted, again.

Henry blames it all on me.  He is scared to contact us because I am so angry at him.  Hmmm, strange since most of my anger at him these days is because of the way he abandoned Lawrence.  Now that I am with someone who cares about me through the good and the bad, it hardly seems worth worrying why Henry was so useless and unfaithful.  That is just who he is. Chalk it up to me being young, naive, and mostly stupid. Granted, today I did yell at him on the phone, gave no quarter to his excuses, and also hung up, but he's had so many chances.

I plan to stay steadfast, to shelter Lawrence from the jerk that his sperm donor was and is, and to take my lumps as they come.  We've moved and he doesn't know it, school is out in 10 days, and I think I might just change my phone number to shut him out.  I know that is wimpy, but it's hard enough as it is without his simpering pleading texts about what I should have done to help Lawrence contact him when he was radio silent all those months.

Where are the drunken bus drivers (log truck, back hoe, whatever) when you need one to make the world a better place?