-do not pout. Not if you wanted to feed the baby first and the privilege was given to big brother. Not if the couple asks to go out to lunch without you. Not if your child ignores your housekeeping/gardening/childrearing/living suggestions. Not if it becomes clear that you have pissed off your child's spouse and the atmosphere is now tense.
-do not clean your child's bedroom while they are out. In fact, don't even go in their bedroom. They are a grown ass adult and their bedroom is their personal space. You making their bed and straightening up is just creepy. Plus, then when something can't be found no matter how much they re-organize your organization, they will be pissed off at you.
-do not hover. This includes reading e-mail over their shoulder, opening mail, following them outside when they take a cellphone call so you can ask who it was and standing behind them while they do chores like cooking, fixing something or changing the baby.
-do not make more work for your child by insisting on doing chores you can't really do. Whether it's due to muscle strength, physical stature, excessive manicures or whatever, if your child has to re-do things they will eventually get pissed off. No one likes rewashing dishes.
-do not assume your child wants you to touch them. Was your child a big hugger as a teenager? Are they a hugger now? If you don't know, look for cues. If they didn't even hug you at the airport, they might not be "touchy-feely". This means they do not want an impromptu back massage or for you to spontaneously decide that some foot pressure points will cure what ails them. If they jerk away from your hands, tense up or make comments like "please don't touch me", get a clue.
-do not answer the telephone. It is not your home. If a friend or family member of your child who you DO NOT KNOW calls and asks to talk to you, make it brief. Having a 2 hour conversation where you dissect your child's entire life is not okay. Seriously, if they wanted you to know each other, they would have introduced you. If you do feel compelled to have a conversation to 'get to know' each other, talking about your children's background, life choices and current opinion is not okay. If your child wanted to share their fucked up childhood, which you have blissfully glossed over, with their in-laws, they would already have done so.
-do not assume that you are your child's friend just because they call once a week and invite you for a visit. You probably just did a damn good job of instilling guilt when they were younger.
Final note to self: Before planning a visit, get to know your child. If they have a strong sense of personal space or need for privacy, get a hotel. In fact, get a hotel anyway. You can always cancel the rest of your reservation if they really want you to stay at their house.
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